Friday, January 2, 2009

The lesson I'm learning

Hubby's still without the perfect job: the one that has affordable benefits for all of us, the one that has predictable hours and a predictable paycheck. It's been nearly 6 months. And it's been hard.

I keep telling myself that there's a lesson to be learned here, and that I'm missing it. Maybe it's my own need to do something that makes me feel like I need to be learning a lesson. It's been hard for me to not be in control, or at least have some sense of control, of our economic future. Yes, we still have an income; yes, we're making ends meet; yes, I'm exercising every frugal muscle I have (even if I have made a few stupid mistakes here & there.) But it's the lack of security that's wearing on me. It's the "not knowing" that wakes me up at 2am. Sorry, I'm rambling.

The lessons that I am learning are not easy, at least for me. I'm learning to trust. God has provided for us. Our pantry is stocked. The bills are paid. We're not behind (yet) on anything. Who was it that said that fear is the opposite of love? That phrase seems to be popping up everywhere in front of me these days. (That was for You, God. You can cut it out, now.) So I'm trying, trying, to trust. And for a super-mega-ultra control freak like me, that's unbelievably hard. But I'm trying.

I've learned to accept help. Again, that's hard. Meals, money, job leads, a car to use, an shoulder to cry on (thanks Fr. Pondo!)- all hard for me to accept. I'm a very guarded person. I don't like to be vulnerable in any way. I am very comfortable in my emotional armor, and I like being an island unto myself. So for me to accept help from people is monumental. (And for those of you who have helped, please know how much I appreciate your kindness! I am so thankful for all of you!)

So there you have it. My heart on my sleeve. Send up a prayer or two for me if you can spare them. Hubby has a couple of job leads for positions that would start at the end of January (yes, God, it's hilarious that you're trying to teach me patience now, too!) so I think that I'll be starting a novena to St. Joseph the Worker, soon. Maybe I'll post it, and if you want to join in, you can.


Lynn said...

After Chris lost his job in 2001, it was 5 years of that unstable life for us--not knowing if he was going to have work the next day or another project to work on. The first year was the hardest but after that we just kept trusting God to provide for us--just like you're doing now. It always seemed that if he said "Honey, I don't have anything lined up past next week." the next day he'd get a phone call and another job would come in. God truly works in mysterious ways. Keep the faith. I'd love to do that novena with you...I could use it now myself for reasons I'm not yet ready to share. :) Big hug through your suit of armor....Lynn

Loni said...

Thanks for the words of encouragement. And big prayers for your big news, too!!